最小二乘法求平均值:英语笑话

A student is taking his final exams. He takes his seat in the exam hall, stares at the questions and then in a fit for inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his shirt, pants and socks.
The teacher, alarmed, approached him and asked what is going on?
"I am only following the instructions -- the test paper states, answer the questions in brief.''

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"
"How much for a season pass?"

A biker walks into a yuppie bar and shouts, “All lawyers are a**holes!” He looks around, obviously hoping for a challenge.
Finally a guy comes up to him, taps him on the shoulder, and says, “Take that back.”
The biker says, “Why? Are you a lawyer?”
“No, I’m an a**hole.”

A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examing his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."
The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"
The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."

Two rednecks meet on a dusty country road. One of them is carrying a big bag labeled, "chickens."
"Chickens, eh?" says one guy. "Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?"
"Heck," says the guy with the bag, "iffin you guess right, I'll give you both of 'em."
The other scratches his head and guesses, "Um... five?"

A man walks into a music store and wants to buy a good, old-fashioned vinyl record. He gets the record and is ready to check out when he discovers that he forgot his wallet. Instead of going out and getting his wallet, he decides to steal the record. So he sticks it down his pants.
Of course, the cashier spots him on the way out and says, "Hey! Is that a record in your pants?"
The man replies, "Well, it may not be a record but I haven''t heard any complaints."

帮你选择了 一些 绝对经典
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1．Do You Know My Work？
One night a hotel caught fire， and the people who were staying in it ran out in their night clothes．
Two men stood outside and looked at the fire．
“Before I came out，” said one，“I ran into some of the rooms and found a lot of money． People don't think of money when they're afraid． When anyone leaves paper money in a fire， the fire burns it． So I took all the bills that I could find．No one will be poorer because I took them．”
“You don't know my work，” said the other．

“What is your work？”
“I'm a policeman．
“Oh！” cried the first man． He thought quickly and said，“And do you know my work？”“No，”said the policeman．
“I'm a writer． I'm always telling stories about things that never happened．”
译文：（自己简单翻译）
你知道我是干什么的吗？
一天晚上，一家旅馆失火，住在这家旅馆里的人穿着睡 衣就跑了出来。
两个人站在外面，看着大火。
“在我出来之前，”其中一个说：“我跑进一些房间，找到了一大笔钱。人在恐惧中是不会想到钱的。如果有人把纸币留在火里，火就会把它烧成灰烬。所以我把我所能找到的钞票都拿走了。没有人会因为我拿走它们而变得更穷。”
“你不知道我是干什么的。”另一个说。
“你是干什么的？”
“我是警察。”
“噢！”第一个人喊了一声。他灵机一动，说：“那你知道我是干什么的？”“不知道。”警察说。
“我是个作家。我总是爱编一些从未发生过的故事。”

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2.．A Mysterious Letter
“I don't like to inquire too curiously into your affairs，”said the lady to her husband．“But something's been bothering me for days．”

“So？” said the husband．“Tell me all about it．”

“You got a letter last Friday，”the lady said．“It was perfumed．It was in a girl's handwriting．I saw you oped it：you broke into a sweat．You turned white．Your hands trembled…For goodness'sake，who was it from and what did it say？”

“Oh，that，”said the husband．“I decided it was best for both of us not to talk about it at the time．”

“For heaven's sake，”screamed the woman．“Tell me who it was from and what it said．”

“Okay，”said the husband．“It was from your dress shop．It said you owe them＄740.00．”
中文：（简单翻译）
一封神秘的信
“我不想过分好奇地打听你的事情，”妻子对她的丈夫说。“但是有件事已经困扰我好几天了。”
“是吗？”丈夫说。“你说给我听听。”
“上星期五你收到了一封信，”妻子说。“信是洒了香水的。是女孩的字迹。我见你打开信：你突然冒出一身冷汗，你的脸变得煞白，你的手颤抖着……。天哪，是谁写的信？信上都说了些什么？”
“噢，是这事儿。”丈夫说。“我当时决定我们俩最好不要谈论它。”
“天哪！”那女人尖叫起来，“告诉我谁写的，都写了些什么。”
“好吧。”丈夫说。“是从你的服装店寄来的，说你欠他们七百四十美元。”
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3．Who Was the First Man？
A teacher said to her class：

“Who was the first man？”

“George Washington，”a little boy shouted promptly．

“How do you make out that George Washington was the first man？”asked the teacher，smiling indulgently．

“Because，”said the little boy，“he was first in war，first in peace，and first in the hearts of his countrymen．”

But at this point a larger boy held up his hand．

“Well，” said the teacher to him，“who do you think was the first man？”

“I don't know what his name was，”said the larger boy，“but I know it wasn't George Washington，ma’am，because the history book says George Washington married a widow，so，of course，there must have been a man ahead of him．”
中文译： 简单翻译
谁是第一个男人？

有个老师问班上的学生：

“谁是第一个男人？”

“乔治·华盛顿，”一个小男孩当即叫道。

“你怎么知道乔治·华盛顿是第一个男人呢？”老师问道，宽容地微笑着。

小男孩说：“因为他是战时第一，和时第一，国人心中第一。”

这时一个大点儿的男孩举起手来。

“那么，”老师对他说，“你认为谁是第一个男人呢？”

“我不知道他的名字，”大点儿的男孩说，“但我知道不是乔治·华盛顿，老师。因为历史书上说，乔治·华盛顿娶了一个寡妇，所以在他前面肯定还有一个男人。”

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What are you going to draw,Mike?
I'm going to draw a monster(魔鬼).
But what dose a monsterlook like?Nobady knows what a monster look like?
They will know when I finish drawing it.