珠颈斑鸠三种叫声:谁给我改文章？给分的！！！

we decide to play football.And Class 8,whiche wa siad to be the No.1 football
decide 应该改为decided
whiche wa siad to be the No.1 football
应该改为which was said
Compared to them I was rather professial
Compared to 应该改为Compared with
因为Compared to意思是把什么比作什么
而Compared with 意思是把什么和什么相比较
in just 15 minutes be sore was 2:0.
中的sore 应该是score
Twelve of us stood in front of our gate like a wall
Twelve of us改为We twelve
因为Twelve of us意思是我们中的十二个人
而 We twelve意思是 我们十二个人（全部）
and it was the first ime we play together
应该改为and it was the first time we plaied together
因为某人第一次做某事的句行是
it was the first time somebody did something
if could sore any
这句中的主语不应该省略
因为你在上面一句说的是自己
而下一句说的是他们
省略主语不好，改为if they could sore any more
So when the ball came I
quickly passed to others even I had good angles.
So when the ball came I
改为
quickly passed to others even though I had good angles.这样，转折的语气更强
"JD,GO FRONT"The teachers said,
改为"JD,GO FRONT"The teachers asked,
这样语气更强
but I must have my shoes
应该是but I must have my shoes on
but no one pay attention to the result
应该是but no one paied attention to the result

非常不错的一篇文章
除少数拼写错误外
并没有什么大的语法、结构错误
特别是后面进球的片段
非常精彩
一片可以得90分的文章！

以上是我的一点愚见
如果能得到你的认可
并适做修改的话
荣幸之至！
说实话
我写不了这么好的文章
经过我觉得我还相当凑合
最后的Believe in yourself
改为Believe yourself
因为Believe in 是信任的意思
而Believe yourself才是相信自己！！！！

我帮你把全文改了下，你的用词有些不符合西方人的习惯，我根据我同学（加拿大人）的说话方式改的,可能还有语法问题，因为我对语法不擅长。如果有问题我很乐意帮忙，我现在16岁，是13岁移民加拿大的，邮箱heroofgundam@yahoo.ca

Dare to Play Your Role!
I still remember one soccer game in my mind,which I consider to be a significant step towards my life-time goal.
It was a Wednesday afternoon,the time for physical activites.With heavy snowfall on the playground,we decided to play a soccer game. Some students from class 8,who were the best soccer players in our grade, came over and challanged us to a game.To be honest,I didn't even think my class stand a chance.My classmates were whole bunch of "NERDS",what they do was sitting there,studying all the time. I used to be a defender before I came to this class three weeks ago. Comparing to them I could even be considered "pro". Two teachers agreed to be the referee. The game soon started. Our opponent were good players. They scored twice in just 15 minutes!!!!!The twelve of us have to stood in front of our goal, because we were the underdogs. I was very anxious to go front,but I was a defender. And it was the first time ever we play soccer together.If I didn't score,my opponent would their ass off. Other than that,I wore a pair of big,dumb shoes that really slowed me down that day. So when the ball came I simply passed it to others even though I had good angles,since my shoes suck.
"JD,GO FRONT!"One of the teachers said.
"Can I?",I asked myself"If I couldn't....""There's no if,JD!"There's another voice in my head. I made up my mind: I gotta give it my best!! All I needed was my soccer shoes,so I quickly ran back to classroom,changed my soccer shoes on and went back. Without hesitation,I ran to the front. When the ball came,I got it and move up front.Two of their defenders came,trying to get the ball from me. With a trick I easily broke through,and here I was,wide open!!The goal was right in front of me. With a beautiful curve, the ball went into the goal nicely.I was so excited that I ran across the field shouting.Yes I did it,I really did!!!!
45 minutes later,the game ended. Although we lost by 1, no one gave a rat about the result. The point was we enjoyed the game. "JD,next time bring your shoes along,cuz you are a good shooter" one of the class 8 students said.
This game to me was much more than just a goal,it was also an important lesson.
"Believe in yourself,Dare to play your role!"

用了compare就不必要用rather 就如同用了but 就不再用though